Sunday, May 10, 2009
downtime

[this entry is just plain depressing. so don't bother if you don't want to dampen your mood.]

i'm not in my element of late.
everything around me feels a bit uncomfortable and not quite right.
even my pillow has decided to go flat on me (and that btw is two flat pillows stuffed into a single pillowcase and still it's gone all unfluffed).
i was telling Joycie last month that this kinda mood swing (which so happens to fall right between 2 cycle of periods) could be due to the LH surge when levels of estrogen (hormone) is at its peak. *shrug*
alright... i shan't go all sciencey on all of you.

really... it could be anything and everything that's making me feel out of sorts.
i've particularly been thinking about my future a lot lately... so that could be it.
i was just reiterating my goals...
considering where i am at at the moment and thinking if all of these is in sync with achieving my goals.
thinking back.. say about 5 years ago.
what would i have wanted to have achieved by now...
[i wanted to graduate with my diploma, find a stable job and settle down by the time i was 25 and perhaps have a kid at 27/28. quite obviously.. i never did achieve that and am nowhere near fulfilling that now. i did get my diploma and my somewhat stable job although it never did satisfy me. multiple failed relationships kinda entirely scrapped the settling down part as well.]
i never really achieved what i wanted to 5 years ago and i'm not exactly on the right track to achieving it.

that being said, i think i've also achieved much more than what i thought i could 5 years ago.
i'm in uni (which i never really thought was possible) overseas (which was deemed totally impossible) getting my degree in zoology (seriously?! you get the drift...).
but is that what i really want?
ok i know i've always wanted to do zoology and i'm still very much in love with it but i'm not quite sure how this is going to fit into the bigger picture.
i'm about 8 months away to getting my degree (fingers crossed) so there's definitely no going back.
i've always thought that after i graduate, i'll get a job, work hard and pay my parents back (uni fees and all), then maybe i'll save up and settle down. sounds like a plan eh?
EXCEPT...
i worked out that if i actually earn enough to give my parents $1,000 a month... that'll take me 7-8 years to settle my debt.
considering the field i'm in, i'd probably not earn enough and it'll take me much longer than that...
i'd be an old hag by then!!!

but of course all these career-money thing is just one aspect of it.
if someday i can overcome my acute tendency at sabotaging my own relationships.
i have countless ways of getting at it but it's often in the form of pettiness.
sometimes it's thinking too far ahead and feeling insecure.
it doesn't help that when i do get my head around it.. i just end up feeling like such a bitch and that in turn makes me feel even worse (positive feedback).
this could possibly be the cause of my moodiness too...

or it could be due to my crappy (3 major 3rd year zoo papers in 3 consecutive days) exam timeable...
or the constant reaffirmation of my 8-month wait (refer to entry 2 weeks ago)...
or being on overdrive and the desperate need for a break...

i've never been very good at expressing my thoughts.
so this might have been random and plain confusing...
but i Am confused.

i'm not sure if where i am now leads to where i want to be in the future.